# The Baby Shower

Season 2 - Episode 10	May 16, 1991
Written by Larry Charles	Directed by Tom Cherones
Series Episode 15	Production Code 204

"The Baby Shower" is the tenth episode of the second season of the NBC sitcom Seinfeld, and the show's 15th episode overall. In the episode, Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) throws a baby shower for her friend Leslie (Christine Dunford) at Jerry's (Jerry Seinfeld) apartment, while he is out of town. Jerry's friend George Costanza (Jason Alexander) once had a terrible date with Leslie and intends to confront her at the shower. Meanwhile, Jerry is convinced by his neighbor Kramer (Michael Richards) to install illegal cable television.

Larry Charles wrote the episode, which was directed by Tom Cherones, and was partly based on a friend of his who was pregnant but did not want to experience childbirth. The episode also contained a dream sequence in which the title character was killed, as Charles was interested in "the Quentin Tarantino version of a sitcom". All of the characters' storylines intersect in the final scenes, an element that the writing staff would continue to use in later episodes. The episode's first broadcast in the United States on May 16, 1991 gained a Nielsen rating of 12.4/21 and was negatively received by critics.

# Plot

Elaine holds a baby shower for her friend Leslie at Jerry's apartment, while Jerry is performing in Buffalo. George is excited, as he expects the baby shower to be the perfect opportunity to confront the woman who gave him the worst date of his life by pouring Bosco chocolate sauce on his red collared shirt while doing performance art. Jerry is frustrated by his television's bad reception, and is convinced by Kramer to have cable illegally installed by two Russians (Vic Polizos and James Lashly).

As Jerry is sleeping on the plane he dreams of returning to his apartment only to find several FBI agents there interrogating Kramer, who apparently has ratted out Jerry. When Jerry protests that he had nothing to do with it, they reveal that the Russian was an undercover FBI agent. Jerry tries to flee only to be gunned down by the agents. This jolts him awake. He finds his show is canceled due to bad weather, and George picks up Jerry at the airport. Jerry is initially amazed that George is perfectly willing, even anxious to drive Jerry home. When he informs George they cannot go back to his apartment because of the baby shower, George insists and Jerry discovers that George is wearing the red shirt and is just using the favor as a chance to encounter Leslie at the baby shower. Meanwhile, Kramer and the two Russians crash the shower to install cable television, start to eat all the food and get into a heated argument. When George and Jerry arrive, George's plan proves unsuccessful, as he cannot muster the courage confront Leslie and instead awkwardly tries to curry her favor. He is interrupted when one of the other party guests suddenly confronts Jerry because he never called her back after a date. This unpleasant scene is the final straw and the guests leave hurriedly. On the way out of the bathroom the angry woman bumps Leslie and her dessert into George, adding a chocolate cake stain to the Bosco stain already on the shirt. Jerry changes his mind about the cable hook-up, but is still charged with a large amount of money. When he refuses to pay, the Russians break the picture tube of his television set.

# Production

"The Baby Shower" was written by Larry Charles and directed by Tom Cherones, who directed all of season two's episodes. The episode was the first episode written by Charles, who would remain with the show through the fifth season. Charles had met Seinfeld co-creator Larry David and Richards, when he was part of the writing staff of the ABC sketch show Fridays, David and Richards were part of the show's ensemble cast. He had been unable to write for the show's first season, as Charles had been writing for The Arsenio Hall Show during its production. Charles frequently had difficulty with writing Jerry's stand-up material, therefore, in "The Baby Shower", Seinfeld used some of his own material. The episode was a combination of loose storylines that had been brought to the writers table. Charles explained that the writing staff of the show considered it a challenge to weave together loose ideas into one episode. The episode was partly based on a friend of Charles, who was pregnant but did not want to experience childbirth and therefore asked the doctor to anesthetize her. Charles thought this was very ironic. The Leslie character was largely based on Karen Finley and Johanna Went, two performance artists who both used foods in their acts, Charles considered them "a ripe target for satire".

As Charles was always trying to find elements that were unusual in sitcoms, the episode had a scene in which Jerry dreams he is interrogated by the FBI for his illegal cable hookup, and is killed when he tries to escape. Charles recalled the dream sequence as "one of the most ambiguous scenes we did [in season two]" and felt it was very Tarantino-like. At the end of the dream Kramer holds Jerry in his arm, stating "what have you done to my little cable boy?"; this scene had to be filmed multiple times, as it was hard for Seinfeld not to laugh when Richards stated the line. In audio commentary he recorded for the Seinfeld: Volume 1 DVD set, Charles noted how he established three of the episode's four storylines in one scene, in which the characters eat and talk at Monk's Cafe. "The Baby Shower" also is one of the few episodes of season two in which the primary storylines of all four characters come together in the final scene. In "The Busboy", which had been filmed earlier, the four storylines also intersected in the final scene, but the episode aired as the final episode of season two. Charles also felt the episode defined the Kramer character more, as it is the first episode in which Kramer speaks out against the system. In addition, the episode also establishes Elaine's interest in the Kennedys, a plot element that would return later in the season four episode "The Virgin".

"The Baby Shower" was first read by the show's cast on November 14, 1990. It was filmed in front of a live audience on November 20. A technique called "Poor Man's Process" was used during the car scene with George and Jerry; one or two crew members would shake the car to give the impression that it was moving, though it never actually was. Other crew members would move lights around the set to simulate street lights or headlights of other cars. Behind the car, two lights on a wheeled stand were placed to give the impression that there was a car behind it. A cheap plastic sticker was put on Jerry's television screen to give the impression that it was broken. A number of scenes were changed or cut during production of the episode. In early drafts of the script, the episode opened with Kramer telling Jerry about the Russian cable installers. In the first draft of the script Elaine and Jerry would realize ahead of time that the baby shower and the cable installation would take place at the same time. This was changed as the writers felt it would be better left as a surprise. Some dialogue was removed from the scene, as Kramer initially told Jerry Benjamin Franklin would have wanted free cable. Additional dialogue between the baby shower guests regarding turning off men was also cut. The scene in which Mary Cantardi, a woman Jerry went out with once but never called afterwards, makes a scene at the baby shower was not in the original script, but was added during rehearsals to give Seinfeld more involvement in the final scene.

Don Perry guest starred as an airplane passenger next to Jerry, when he wakes up from his nightmare. Perry states that he might be the last person Jerry will see alive. This line was not in the original script, but was added because Perry, as Charles explained, "just had the right look". Christine Dunford was cast as Leslie, Charles commented "she just came in; gave a great reading. At this point in our show business history, I don't think we knew anybody". Dunford would return later as a saleswoman in the season five episode "The Pie". Margaret Reed, best known for her role on the soap opera As the World Turns, appeared as Mary Cantardi, a woman who screams at Jerry for not calling her back after a date. Vic Polizos and James Lashly guest-starred as the Russian cable installers. Norman Brenner, who worked as Richards' stand-in on the show for all its nine seasons, appears as an extra in the first scene of the episode, standing at the counter at Monk's Cafe.

# Reception

"The Baby Shower" was first broadcast in the United States on NBC on May 16, 1991. It received a Nielsen rating of 12.4 and an audience share of 21, indicating that 12.4% of American households watched the episode, and that 21% of all televisions in use at the time were tuned into it.

"The Baby Shower" met with negative responses from critics. Mike Flaherty and Mary Kaye Schilling of Entertainment Weekly graded the episode with a D, stating "After a promising opening, this baby quickly degenerates into heavy-handed farce". The episode was ranked third on a list of Seinfeld's "Not-so-top episodes", compiled by the New York Daily News.

# Cast

# Regulars

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Kramer

# Guests

Christine Dunford .............. Leslie
Vic Polizos .......................... Tabachnik
James Lashly ...................... Assistant
Margaret Reed .................. Mary
George C. Simms ............... FBI Man
Marla Fries ........................ Stewardess
Don Perry ......................... Passenger
Kate Mulligan .................... Party Guest
Audrey Frantz .................. Party Guest

# Script

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it... " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ...No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?... I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed."

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Coffee shop]

GEORGE: (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.

JERRY: She's the performance artist, right?

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper.

JERRY: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?

ELAINE: Todd.

JERRY: Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.

ELAINE: No, he's not.

JERRY: C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.

ELAINE: By marriage.

JERRY: Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions.

GEORGE: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.

ELAINE: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.

GEORGE: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women?

JERRY: Thin ice, George. Thin ice...

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage.

ELAINE: She stopped performing.

GEORGE: (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.

JERRY: (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.

GEORGE: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklyn to see one of her "performances".

JERRY: Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?

GEORGE: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.

ELAINE: It was an accident!

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?"

JERRY: (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot.

GEORGE: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back... Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt.

JERRY: What ever happened with the shirt?

GEORGE: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.

ELAINE: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower.

JERRY: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?

ELAINE: anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.

GEORGE: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.

JERRY: Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me.

GEORGE: (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.

ELAINE: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring...

GEORGE: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!

ELAINE: (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though.

GEORGE: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.

ELAINE: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment...

JERRY: But?

ELAINE: My roommate has Lyme disease.

JERRY: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?

ELAINE: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.

JERRY: How did she get Lyme disease?

ELAINE: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.

JERRY: They still do that play?

ELAINE: It's a classic.

JERRY: With all the nudity?

ELAINE: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.

GEORGE: (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye!

JERRY: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.

ELAINE: What do you wanna know?

JERRY: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?

ELAINE: Rarely.

JERRY: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: When is this suppose to be?

ELAINE: Saturday.

JERRY: Saturday?... Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?

ELAINE: I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.

JERRY: 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table.

GEORGE: Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.

JERRY: And if you do?

GEORGE: I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the dials as Kramer looks over his shoulder)

KRAMER: What are you doing this for? Look at you...

JERRY: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.

KRAMER: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house.

JERRY: (Pleading) Leave me alone.

KRAMER: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?!

JERRY: I'm not getting illegal cable!

KRAMER: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years.

JERRY: No, I read in the paper...

KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper...

JERRY: Well, they might hook us up again.

KRAMER: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things... Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!

JERRY: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.

KRAMER: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!

JERRY: What you're suggesting is illegal.

KRAMER: It's not illegal.

JERRY: It's against the law.

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

JERRY: (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that?

KRAMER: (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys... He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.

JERRY: A real human rights nut, huh?

KRAMER: Yeah. He's intense, man.

JERRY: I don't know. What if I get caught?

KRAMER: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him.

(Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He then returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and his assistant. Tabachnick mumbles, shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks confused)

JERRY: You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow.

TABACHNICK: Tomorrow okay.

KRAMER: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.

JERRY: (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it...

KRAMER: No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year...

JERRY: (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in.

KRAMER: You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy...

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting for him)

MAN: Mr. Steinfeld?

JERRY: Seinfeld.

MAN: We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?

JERRY: My cable hook-up? What about it?

MAN: It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.

JERRY: It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?

(An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)

KRAMER: Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning.

MAN: You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.

JERRY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users... We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy is the guy you want.

(Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other FBI men, and speaks without an accent now)

TABACHNICK: Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.

(Jerry looks around for an escape, then makes a mad dash for the door)

KRAMER: No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his hands) Cable boy, cable boy... What have you done to my little cable boy?...

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Airplane]

(Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess approaches)

JERRY: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?

STEWARDESS: I'm afraid not.

JERRY: What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now?

STEWARDESS: No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again?

(The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)

BILL: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no argument with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here."

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's car]

(George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)

GEORGE: Sounds like a rough trip.

JERRY: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.

GEORGE: So, the college cancelled the gig?

JERRY: Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again.

GEORGE: (Modestly) Forget it.

JERRY: No, really... an airport run.

GEORGE: It's nothing.

JERRY: Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me a favor?" ...But to suggest it?... GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.

JERRY: (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive.

GEORGE: (Laughs nervously) ...Ulterior motive.

JERRY: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge... Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower.

GEORGE: (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place.

GEORGE: My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place.

JERRY: You want to get a bite?

GEORGE: Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast.

JERRY: Well, so what should we do?

GEORGE: Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?

(Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, then reaches over and pulls the sweater down)

JERRY: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!

GEORGE: (Nervous) What are you talking about?

JERRY: You're wearing the chocolate shirt!

GEORGE: I am? What a strange coincidence...

JERRY: A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning...

GEORGE: (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.

JERRY: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?

GEORGE: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)

LESLIE: We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there.

ELAINE: So, where's Todd?

LESLIE: Up in Hyannisport.

ELAINE: Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?!

WOMAN: (To Leslie) So, when's your due date?

LESLIE: March twentieth, nine a.m.

WOMAN: You know the time!

LESLIE: I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic.

ELAINE: Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop?

LESLIE: (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears?

(Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. The woman freeze at the sight, then disperse nervously)

ELAINE: (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here?

KRAMER: We're putting in cable.

ELAINE: The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now!

KRAMER: Oh, we have to do this now.

(Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)

ELAINE: Who's this guy?

KRAMER: Which one?

ELAINE: Both of the them.

KRAMER: Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.

ELAINE: Okay... Does Jerry know about this?

KRAMER: Oh yeah... it's all authorized, yeah.

ELAINE: You can't! You can't do this now!

KRAMER: Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back... He won't like that.

ELAINE: Alright. Just do it fast and then get out.

KRAMER: (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes... Then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: George's car]

JERRY: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?

GEORGE: (Boiling) What am I going to say?!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically... just... unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you!

JERRY: You'll never say that to her face.

GEORGE: Watch me.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

KRAMER: (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything.

ELAINE: (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?

(Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting)

ELAINE: Kramer!

KRAMER: (Trying to break up the fight) Uh... Excuse me...

(Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick bangs on the door, and shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. Elaine runs up to greet them)

ELAINE: What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend.

JERRY: The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.

ELAINE: I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything.

(Leslie approaches them)

LESLIE: Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town.

JERRY: Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.

ELAINE: (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it!

GEORGE: (Unconvincingly coy) About what?

TABACHNICK: (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer...

(Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as Tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready for Leslie - he takes off his sweater, revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)

GEORGE: Leslie.

LESLIE: Yeah?

GEORGE: George... (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza.

LESLIE: Hi.

GEORGE: (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me... but we actually, kind of um... went out... a couple of years ago... once... remember?

LESLIE: Vaguely.

GEORGE: You took me to one of your shows...

LESLIE: And?

GEORGE: And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent...

(Scene cuts to Jerry)

MARY: Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me?

JERRY: I'm sorry, I...

MARY: (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.

JERRY: (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember...

MARY: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day.

JERRY: Well, I'm sure I meant to call... I probably just lost your...

MARY: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz through the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?!

JERRY: No, I don't think that...

MARRY: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!

(She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)

GEORGE: Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something...

(Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate cake is now all over George's shirt)

LESLIE: Thanks a lot!

(Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a few women who are rushing out the door)

ELAINE: I'm sorry you have to go.

WOMAN: Yeah. I really have to be going.

(Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)

JERRY: Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable.

KRAMER: Don't be a fool.

TABACHNICK: You don't want?

JERRY: No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble...

TABACHNICK: (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars.

JERRY: (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty!

(Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and is ready to leave)

LESLIE: I'm going... obviously.

ELAINE: Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea...

LESLIE: Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized something. You're just like you were in college.

ELAINE: (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you were in college"?

LESLIE: (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go!

(George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts - embarrassed)

GEORGE: (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves)

JERRY: (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped on chairs)

GEORGE: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all... is that irony?

ELAINE: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ...I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but... it didn't stop.

JERRY: Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally?

KRAMER: (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes... I'm making popcorn! (Leaves)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now."

The End